Imagine You Will Treat The Other Exactly How You Treat Yourself

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

So many of my friends who are not in a partnership tell me that they are very happy with their lives. They feel that their lives are rich and full. However, they would like a partnership in their life. At the same time they imagine that they would have to give up some of what they like about their lives, give up freedom of choice and space, if they were to let another into their intimate space.

If they honor the other person the same way they do themselves, if they don’t try to alter or make the other different, then maybe the other won’t do it to them either. Maybe one could start out not giving up freedom or space, but just adding to life what feels good and what you want to do or share with the other person. Maybe you can work with just addition and not giving up for a starting image. If you honor the other and see them as a complete and total individual, as you are, a separate state in the union as it were, then instead of personal encroachment there will be enrichment for each.

I still have to work on this some more to find a way to say this but I think there may be something here that would help talk about the question “how did we get here?”.

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Peace And Love Are Strong Deep Feelings

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

We were standing together this morning hugging before separating, and it was such a deep and warm sharing. I started thinking that if people knew what strong experiences peace and love are, perhaps they wouldn’t be so attracted to conflict, anxiety, drama and tension. I think often people equate strong feeling with the negativity they create.  I think that maybe in order to have the sense of having feelings, or caring deeply, people often create problems and conflicts in order to reassure themselves that they care or are cared for. I know it sounds turned around, but I think this is often the case. If we can communicate how strong the experiences we share are, maybe it could click in some people’s minds and they would move toward exchanges that are filled with love and generate peace. Maybe they could ‘get it’ that what they are seeking doesn’t come from generating drama or illusory problems. But rather, that it comes from being present and actually experiencing what is really there, who the other truly is as a person. The joy of sharing who you are and being appreciated for that, of not being pushed or pulled, changed or manipulated, but just to have someone rejoice in your person and to share with you theirs. Maybe we can find the words to illuminate for others this miraculous experience that we share!

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Influence by Being not Doing

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

We’ve talked often about non-interference with each other (though you prefer using only positive terms), and today I pointed out that such an attitude carries over to how we interact with others – we much prefer to lead by example rather than offering exercises.  You pointed out that we are looking to trigger that “Aha!” moment rather than a step-by-step slog up the mountain.

I found this conversation very inspiring; it gave me a stronger sense of what we are doing and aiming for.  I eagerly anticipate our crafting words that speak from the heart and touch others.

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Paradoxically, Equality Doesn’t Mean Being Equal

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

In reply to your equality post, I just want to emphasise that equality and being equal are not the same – that we are distinctly different in many ways, and yet equality does apply.  It’s a subtle semantic point that may trip people if they don’t read carefully.

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Equality Seems To Be Part of Balance

Dialogue by Kat 1 Comment »

It seems to me that we have such a wonderful balance between us partly as a result of our  equality. Its not that we are the same, or that we act or share in the same way. Its more that our input and output seems equal. Neither of us is pushing or pulling more than the other. Neither of us is more involved than the other. We are equally seeking peace. We are equally constant and committed. We are equally sexual. Neither of us is seeking to make the other into anything or to change the other. We are different and yet  find union in the balance between us.

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Not Just Once

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Today is busy, but I wanted to respond to your last post by adding that it was not some “Wow that was great sex because we were pleasantly drunk and had unwound from the day and the movie was erotic and the stars were aligned” one-off exceptional event, but we reach this transcendental state on a regular basis  (I’m not quite bold enough to claim that it is every time), and this is extraordinary in and of itself.  How lucky we are.


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I Wanted To Thank You

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

We had such a transcendent experience last night while making love and I wanted to thank you. We reach a place, not in thought, but in actual experience that impinges upon the Divine. It is the experience of the infinite. There is a quality of never endingness and there is no recognizable sequence.  Hence there is no experience of time as we usually know it. We experience that there is no end in that ‘place’ where we go in union. There is no end except the physical material  limitations we have by the nature of what we are.

I want to thank you for allowing me to go there. It is an experience that you need a partner to achieve. There are other ways to have this experience, but the path that we are walking calls for a partner. I have always believed that this type of direct experience of Reality was possible between people, but I have never before had a partner who wanted to walk that path together. It is such ecstasy.  It opens up the vistas of all that is beyond.

And again, thank you!

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Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

I struggled to post tonight.  I didn’t want to just reiterate what we have been saying about agreement and balance because I felt the words would not differ enough to be useful.

This led me to thinking about language, and so I finally pulled out the metaphors we have used in this blog.

Imagine being barefoot in a room with thumb-tacks on the floor.  Even a few will inhibit your ability to dance, but once you find the room to be free of them, no limits apply.

Riding a bicycle
But how we do this is hard to pin down.  Maybe it’s like riding a bicycle.  At first, you fall over all the time; later, staying balanced becomes second nature.

The present is the path
And yet “do” is almost the wrong term, because there is no sense of effort; things happen effortlessly, again and again and again.  It is as if there is a path through life called the present that is clear and easy to walk.  To left and right, the past and the future have barbs, snares, pits of tar, that make progress so much more difficult.

On a leash
A partner who is only ninety-something percent accepting gives the feeling of being on a leash; you can run free most places, but at some point, a violent tug will occur, so the response is to run cautiously, or not at all.  But at 100%, a transforming quality occurs.

Riding in tandem
Many years ago I had the opportunity to ride rear-seat on a tandem.  I was used to steering on a bike, and I jerked the handlebars so fiercely that the forward rider could not keep the machine in balance.  Neither of us are doing that now.

Books and pages
…a book with pages; we think we are individual pages, but we are connected together in ways that are not seen by inspecting an individual page.

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Balance – We Seem To Achieve It Naturally

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

The way we come together is so mysterious. It is filled with paradoxes and yet it seems to come so naturally to us.

The other day I was feeling such deep union with you and the word balance came into my mind. It seems to me that neither of us is more present, or taking up more space in the union, or having stronger desires for something specific, or pushing for some direction.

We seem to be so equally there, so completely balanced in our beingness with the other, that the a third presence emerges. This third presence is our union. It covers an area that is not the separate personality of me or of you, both of which are fully present,  but rather of another. This third presence is one where the lines between you and me blur and melt together. This is  experienced not just on the mindal or spirit level, but  even on the physical.

This balance, where neither push nor pull are present,  seems to be a key to the experience we share. And yet where does it come from? We seem to do it so naturally.

I think an important component is the utter respect and appreciation for the other as an individual.

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Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Dear Kat,

There’s nothing to report – we just continue to get on magnificently.

WAIT!  That’s the weird thing – how does this happen?

Firstly I want to distinguish between disagreements and arguments.  The former is possible, the latter unimaginable.  Why would I want to persuade you to do something against your will?  It may improve my lot in some way, but the cost of your compliance must be deducted from the benefit.

Let’s say that I see my benefit as M and the cost to you as Y.  Then I should go ahead if M > Y.

But you may see the benefit to me as M2 and the cost to you as Y2, so I shouldn’t do it if M2 < Y2.

For this clash not to take place, either

  • Our assessment of each others’ states must be accurate.
  • If not accurate, our assessment of each others’ states must be generous.
  • We believe the reporting of the other.

This may be overly intellectual and abstract, but the point I want to make is that we fully accept the reported reality of the other and do not discount it as less important than ours.  This requires two things: that we accept the other as fully equal to ourselves, not in skills and desires but in rights and consciousness, and that we trust the other to be truthful.

Oh, I see I riffed on this a couple of posts ago. Read the rest of this entry »

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