Being Right Revisited

Our path by Kat No Comments »

One of the things that I love about how we are together is the lack of either one of us ‘needing to be right’ or being concerned with ‘who is right’.  When we listen to each other as we are talking together, we are actually listening. We are not just in our head, waiting for the moment when we can begin talking again and explaining why what we think is how it is. In fact, both of us seem to really get off on the fact that the other one has different ideas and doesn’t see everything exactly as we do. These differences are not really sources for actual conflict. They are not differences in meanings and values. I feel that in so many relationships, the sharing is more like a debate or an argument. Things that are often of no consequence or actual substance, become the areas of intense struggle, all in the name of ‘who is right’!

By eliminating this type of back and forth altogether, we seem to wind up in a miraculous space. We go to an area where we share what each of us feels and thinks and even as we are talking, something begins to occur. We start to hear new ideas, things that aren’t exactly from either of us, but yet have the best of what each of us has contributed. By the time we are done, we usually have a new creation, an answer to our problem or a plan for action that is much better than anything either of us came up with.

It really feels like magic and it happens every time.

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Being Right

Our path by kk No Comments »

Kat: Where were we? Oh, I know what it was about, it was about being right.

Kit: Being right? Oh, I have a little spiel on that

Kat: laughs

Kit: I was thinking about how we discuss things and don’t argue.

Kat: This is exactly what it’s about. Did you have that thought this evening?

Kit: I was just about to bring exactly this thing up; I can’t believe it!

Kat: Me too.

Kit: How it works, I think, is that I say something, and you say no, you want something else and then…

Kat: Hopefully I don’t start with no, but maybe I say “I see it like this.”

Kit: Ok, whatever, right, and so I go back and I look at it: “Oh, here’s my desire for something, what’s that about?”, and you do the same, and so instead of holding the position solid and trying to make that the demarcation line rather than yours, it’s very fluid and just kind of um…

Kat: it’s really like woo-woo that we had this same thing come clear, like within this evening and wanted to both talk about it and that we’re about to both do it because I…

Kit: I know what triggered it.

Kat: yes, so do I , I know what triggered it, but less interesting; I’d just rather also share the words that I had for that experience which were that you had one thing to say and I have different things to say and we said that back and forth about once or twice and then I saw that moment where ok, all these things exist in the universe like what you said, what I said, how I see it, how you see it, and then there’s that moment with do you want to be busy with “I’m right”? Oh no, that means absolutely nothing to me that’s not what it’s about at all, and I saw it; it’s about this little thing of “I’m right”, you know that people get involved in: “I’m right”, you know; I was going to do my blog on it, but it’s your blogging turn.

Kit: But you can write, sweetie.

Kat: Yes, we found the same thing, it’s fascinating that it actually happened.

Kit: The only book I’ve read about EST was a tell-all by someone who went through it.

Kat: mm hmm

Kit: It started out wham bam in chapter one by having the speaker describe what’s so important about being right.

Kat: uh huh, yeah

Kit: You know, they hit you with it in paragraph one and it really struck me. It’s one of those lightbulb things where some asssumption that you’ve always made doesn’t apply any more. Very interesting; it gives you a whole lot of flexibility when you let go of those bits of…

Kat: It’s amazing what it does when you let go of those things, especially when you let go of it with consciousness…

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: …and – I’m utterly fascinated that we both got that same thing from our experiences.

Kit: Well, where I thought it came from was that you were talking some time, maybe yesterday, I think we were sitting on the sofa, about how we should continue this writing and that we should continue to talk with each other about our experience, but what we should do is go further and go into the why and how does that work, and all that stuff…

Kat: Sort it out and where did it come from.

Kit: …and so I think that my idea rose out of that conversation.

Kat: I also ended the blog with that last thing.

Kit: Aah, okay

Kat: How does that happen?

Kit: Yes, uh huh

Kat: well I got it this evening from the conversation that we were having and I passed on from the conversation which wasn’t the important part of the experience because it was the learning which was important and it was some back and forth where I had one viewpoint and you had another and there was a moment when I saw it and you had sort of spoken your word and I had spoken mine and I thought ok, good, well all of that is out here and it all is real and exists and there’s that moment: was I going to go further with I’m right, whatever is you doesn’t exist because I’m right…

Kit: mm hmm

Kat: …and I just saw that whole thing, I thought, you know, yeah, that’s one of the things that we do is, you know, we don’t really waste any time that I’m right.

Kit: But you are right.

Kat: We are, we are indeed.

Kit: No, I’m joking.

Kat: So am I.

Kit: You’re perfectly right about that.

Kat: Maybe we do things not only right, but perfectly right.

Kit: It makes things very easy to do, and very simple.

Kat: It does.

Kit: A whole lot of clutter gets removed from your mind.

Kat: I know, it’s amazing, it seems like such a simple thing to do.

Kit: Right.

Kat: You have to do it with consciousness, it’s gotta be like a real – you have to – I mean, after a while, of course, you align yourself more and more, so it’s not even an occurrence that happens in the mind.

Kit: Right, but also I think it’s a question of trust; it can only start happening when we trust each other…

Kat: How it starts happening is the question.

Kit: …and trust is something that builds up over a period of time. You might start with an assumption of trust, which is great because it moves things forward, but you know how I experienced you trustwise was basically the sum of all my experiences with you over a period of time, and the longer that went on, the more I understood how you worked and what you were and that kind of stuff, right? And developed a knowing of you.

Kat: Mm-hmm, I know exactly what you’re saying.

Kit: The trust that builds up between us – has built up between us – is really important in this kind of lack of argument; I mean, when you experience the other person as a truthful and honest and present and…

Kat: Constant.

Kit: …constant and yet completely as important and as autonomous as me, then what would be the point of taking a position?

Kat: Mm hmm

Kit: At that stage, it doesn’t make any sense anyway.

Kat: Maybe a lot of it is habitual behavior, that I’m right, all those kinds of things.

Kit: Well, perhaps that’s because people start out from a position of non-trust and perhaps if you start from that position, you can’t get past it.

Kat: Sure you can, you just have to become aware.

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: You just develop a different appetite, you know; you follow your attraction to lack of that kind, you know, you devalue that experience.

Kit: Right.

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Each Day Is So New With You!

Dialogue, Our path by Kat No Comments »

I feel bright and shiny and new each time we are together. It is rather amazing after this amount of time, but it does seems so fresh and such an adventure always.  Neither of us take anything for granted. We haven’t  fallen asleep to some greater or lesser degree with each other. Our time together is always very exciting, while also being nourishing and soothing.

This must be another face of living in the present. I can’t find any other explanation for it. Everything is so new because it is being created and co-created as we go. Feeling your presence is an amazing thing. It uplifts me. It reassures me. It fascinates me. It surprises me. I never take it for granted, but I do know that you are always there with your whole self. There is no withdrawing, no abandoning. As you have said, we remain connected, both when we are physically together and when we are not. There is such peace in the experience of the present,  unencumbered with things created solely by the mind or the past. How did we come to dwell in this place together? I can see that as one has these experiences, they are so attractive that one is pulled to remain there, to stay with something so good. But how did it come to be in our beginning?

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Staying connected

Our path by Kit No Comments »

We always feel connected.  When you leave physically, I don’t feel that anything has changed between you and me, and when we come together again, there is no need for any adjustment.  This happens after sex, too; there is no break in intimacy.  All this contrasts with former relationships, which interleaved connection and alienation.

So what are we doing differently?

I think with others, I withdrew to regain my sense of self, because I had lost it in several ways.  One was the limitations on behavior that many people impose.  Another was the need for silence; as an introvert (and I was more so in those days), too much company too long was exhausting.  Lastly, the experience of merging with another, though ecstatic, was a different unfamiliar world, and maybe after a while I had to return to the familiar.

To stray from the personal a bit, I think many people connect from a sense of incompleteness; they want the other to assuage their needs, substitute for their inadequacies, fix their sense of loss, grief, pain.  This only works for a while, as the underlying needs reappear; they must be confronted on their own, not salved by taking from another.  For the partner, the constant supply of support can become a Sisyphean task.

With you, none of these happen.  I do not have to watch myself when I am with you, because you let me be who I am.  Oh, thank you!  I cannot say it enough.  You have your own need for space and silence, as do I, and because we remain connected, it is effortless to separate, and to rejoin afterwards.  And lastly, I welcome the ecstasy and experience it as an addition to myself, not as an alternative.  Whether this is due to knowing myself better or how you take part, I cannot say.

So to summarise, we remain connected, yet I always feel completely myself.  It is paradoxical, yet indisputable.

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Finding Meaning and Value Through What You Don’t Find Attractive

Our path by Kat No Comments »

I was reading your last post, and thinking about what you said about empty mindedness.  I think this is an important part of reaching that state we describe. Maybe in order to be able to honor the other as a complete distinct personality, you need to have the ability to empty your mind. We know it is important to come with no expectations, especially not any projections, “I must haves” or “only ifs”.

You described such an interesting path, your own. You found your way there in two distinctly different ways. The first, was through the negative experience. You came to know what was of true meaning and value to you, by experiencing what you weren’t attracted to, and what didn’t feel right. You discovered you didn’t want conflict, arguments, invasions. Through these experiences, you came to know that part of yourself that recognized what you want, and what you align yourself with.

The next way was through gathered learning. Examples you gave were your experiences of zen sitting, and the enlightenment intensives you’ve done.

To really have the experience of something new, you have to empty yourself of before and after. You have to be right there in the present. When you relate in union within the present, you create and co-create.

It sounds like some degree of self awareness is needed to walk our path.

I love what we do together. All of it. I hope we find ways to share it with others. Its amazing what happens when you “give peace a chance”.

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Our path by Kit No Comments »

You ask about the origins of empty-mindedness.  One was my experience of long, drawn-out arguments with shouting, crying, begging, with-holding, accusing, sulking, withdrawing, and attacking.  Words and acts from the past would be dragged in to make a case.  Threats and demands would be made to gain the advantage.  Finally, through exhaustion, we would reach a position where each of us would abandon the attack and just express our needs.  It felt like a summer squall had blown in and passed over, leaving flooded paths, downed branches and litter all over.  At that point we were able to hear the other person and accept their needs as real.

After a long time, I saw that the argument was merely the precursor to this place of communication and potential resolution.  I never liked arguments, and these days, I choose to go directly to that post-squall place of self-expression without attack, where I can clearly distinguish between what I want to happen and what other people should do.

A second contribution to empty-mindedness has been a decade or more of sitting.  I won’t give instruction here, but through repeated practice, the ability to separate thoughts and actions, still the mind, be present and distinguish between thoughts and direct experience makes access to a center point of stillness easier and easier.

Lastly, I have done a number of Enlightenment Intensives, 3-day events which excel in removing the fog of language and revealing the truth underneath.

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In Order for Something New to Happen, There Has to Be Some Emptiness

Our path by Kat No Comments »

Since we spoke the other night, I have felt that it is really important for us to explore even further the quality of our path that you refer to as non-interference, and I usually refer to as relating to the other as a complete distinct personality. I believe that so much else of how we are and the non-argumentative nature of our union derives from this underpinning.
Is there a chicken and egg aspect here? We usually think that our strong presence with each other is brought about by this quality of non-interference. But I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t a bit of both. Perhaps a kind of empty mindedness is what enabled us to truly feel fully open enough to be together with this special kind of acceptance.
Lack of projections and demands is critical to coming into this place together. Many people I know have their heads filled with everything they need to make things work, in any situation and in every relationship. They have so many things decided in advance – what they need in common and how things have to look and feel – that there is very little room for anything to actually just be, let alone the coming into being of something new.
I think that empty mindedness, the willingness to let all ideas go and let new things happen, is a prerequisite to our path. The need for control and the sense of control have to be entirely abandoned.
Let’s explore this as part of how we got here to this wonderful place of peace and joy in love

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Our path by Kit No Comments »

One of the remarkable things about you is how much I am drawn to being present when I am with you.  I attribute that to your total acceptance: you offer a place for me to be myself — more than that, you encourage and rejoice in it.  This is so rare a quality in this world that I joyfully respond to it.

I am present when I respond and react to what is actually happening, rather than using what the past has taught me, or reacting in order to bring about some future outcome.  I don’t claim to be anywhere near perfection in this; presence is a matter of the degree to which we are focused on the events in front of us.  Neither do I claim that being present is always the most desirable state.  Sometimes the future needs attention, too, so we try to control the world in order to make our imagined future come to pass.  There are times when that is appropriate, but often it’s like always ordering the next meal while you’re eating the current one.

Being present is an important part of non-interference.  By being present, the world just is, so I can let you be who you are, which in turn gives you the opportunity to be present.  It’s a virtuous circle, and having experienced it, why would either of us ever want it to be any other way?  That is why I was so sure early on, even though I could not articulate the reason, that not only hadn’t we argued, but that we probably never would.

There is another aspect of being present that we have both remarked on, which is the experience of newness that it brings.  Nothing is ever the same, and it is very mysterious and counter-intuitive.  You would think that settling in for a movie or walking around the park would become drab through familiarity.  They don’t.  I surmise that they are intrinsically different – there is no Groundhog Day.  The walk I am taking on Thursday is never confused with the walk I took on Tuesday.

Another way to put this is that we are not constrained by our past, which gives us an extraordinary sense of potential, change and growth.  By being open to what is present, we are open to change.  It is not suppressed in favor of what has been, nor rejected in fear of what might happen.  The result is a sense that we always have more to do and more to explore.

P.S. In writing this, I really enjoyed some of our earlier posts on the subject:

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The Wonderful Experience of Presence

Our path by Kat No Comments »

When one is not filled with projections of how things should or could be, not filled with thoughts of the past or the future, then one winds up occupying the present. This act of being present in relationship brings many marvels with it. It leads to new and exciting experiences. It imbues shared experiences with a quality of creativity and co-creativity. When you combine these things, you achieve a marvelous sense of freedom of self and freedom of expression. When you can be gently present without defenses or any need to keep or raise barriers, it has an amazing and exhilarating effect. It is the difference between dancing around barefoot on a floor where you know there are a few thumbtacks (even one) and a floor that is free of any tacks. In the second, you can leap and twirl with your full self. This same sense in a relationship creates a stunning experience of deep abiding peace and joy.

We have this and yet it confounds both of us. We wonder how this can be, and at the same time it feels so easy and so natural. The ability to relax and be fully present seems to follow from the sense of undefended relating. We are in peace and trust and honesty because we are not assailed, we are not attacked. There is no pressure to be different than we are in our essence. So we are open and at peace in action and being.

I love this experience of being with you. I feel so supported in my own personal journey and so in union with you.

love Kat

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Total Freedom

Our path by Kit No Comments »

You use that wonderful metaphor of a thumbtack on the dance-floor, and how inhibiting even one can be.  I want to expand on that a little.  We’ve talked about this as 100% acceptance, and how different that is from 99%.  It’s not just 1% better; there is a qualitative difference to it.  I can be myself without any little voice inside checking what I say and what I do.  I can admire other women.  I can say I want to work late.  I can wear the same jeans all week.  It’s not that I am oblivious to your needs, for I enjoy doing things that bring you pleasure, but they never turn into expectations.

It is so liberating to have the space to be myself.  In other relationships, after a while I found myself to be partially missing, as if small chips of myself had been destroyed over time, and I had to leave to experience my self again.  I didn’t see it in those terms so much at the time; it was more the experience of being in a cage and needing to roam free.  I interpreted that (or my partners did for me) as a resistance to commitment, but now I am not so sure of that interpretation.

I don’t have any of that with you.  This is amazing to me, and I still cannot decide, after all this time together, how this has come to pass.  I do know that an essential part of it is the total freedom that you grant me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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