Choosing a Middle Way

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

Last night we came together late and just hung out, did the crossword, talked.  We both said how delightfully cosy it was, and so the question arises again, how do we do this?  The scientist would say that we each adjust our expectations and behavior to synchronise with the other, but look as I may, that is not what I see, for if that were the case, I would expect to see compromise, trade-offs, weighing the pros and cons.  I don’t.  Instead, I see a process that is non-verbal, that I don’t “make decisions”, but instead, the activities “come to me”.  But it does feel intentional on another level.  It feels as though we eschew words and thoughts and planning and allow some natural balance to take place.  It is like trusting the us and not letting “words with charge”, to use your memorable phrase, take over.

The result is a feeling of incredible lightness, airiness, freedom, liberty.

Many years ago I had the opportunity to ride rear-seat on a tandem.  I was used to steering on a bike, and I jerked the handlebars so fiercely that the forward rider could not keep the machine in balance.  Neither of us are doing that now.


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The word ‘Commitment’ Is A Gender Issue

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

Hi Kit,

I can’t say that I have the same response to the word commitment. I think this is probably a gender issue. I don’t really see the difference in The 100% Factor that you are making. 100% accepting refers to being accepted and giving acceptance. What is the difference in the commitment issue?

As you know, I really rarely see the negative side of an issue, so I’m less involved in what to avoid, than I am in how to describe what we mean.

I think when people invest words with charge, they are actually eliminating some aspect of the ability to be in the present, and be with what actually is. When you have areas that are filled with previous charge, you bring along  mind stuff which will lead you to imbue the present with something other than what is there.

love Kat

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100% of What

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Dear Kat,

Using the term “100%” reminds me of the phrase “100% commitment”, which has undertones of being trapped, of loss of freedom.  Criminals are committed.  It doesn’t sound fun.

I’m not questioning my commitment, but I am saying it can be a hard sell to many people.  When I’ve talked about 100% before, I was talking about 100% acceptance.  Although there are similarities, it’s not the same as commitment, and we should make this difference clear to avoid commitment phobia.  Our focus is elsewhere.

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The 100% Factor

Dialogue by Kat 1 Comment »

We have coined a phrase recently that I think includes many of the aspects of our togetherness that we would like to share and offer others seeking to have harmonious and joyful relationships.

The 100% factor alludes to the element of being together that enables total freedom from  the need to withdraw and to defend, and consequently to separate. The importance of 100% cannot be underestimated. 100% is nothing like 99.999%. Anything less than 100% offers measurement, division, in and out,  good and bad.

I always love your example of a dance floor. If you know that there is nothing on the dance floor, no tacks or other dangerous items, you can be free to dance about, flying freely through the air, unmindful of where you come down. As soon as you introduce one thumbtack onto the floor somewhere, you are no longer free to leap and prance freely. You must always be careful you don’t come down on the thumbtack and injure yourself. It is the same in relationships.  If you have 99.99%, you know you may still sometime come down on the thumbtack. This very knowledge inhibits you all the time , even if its just a little bit.

This is the same within relationships. The more thumbtacks that appear in the exchange, the more you must be careful, defended, withdrawn, on alert. Once you pass the threshold of 100%, there is peace and joy and no busyness in the mind about whether you are in or out, or whether the person is right or wrong, or needs changing or adjusting. You accept yourself and the other and go forward in the freedom that this way of being brings.

This is not a process. It is a transformation. You either move into 100% or you don’t.This way of being does not take work. In fact, it is quite effortless. You don’t work on it, you just do it.

We have found that when we come togther we are fully present, not experiencing the other through our preconceptions, rules and ideas, images of what should be or could be. We are there in comfort with ourselves and joyfulness in the other. We are not trying to make the other anything other than what they are, but rather rejoicing in what and who they are as it unfolds. There is a desire to share that which is;  joy, beauty,  goodness for example. There is no desire to make a point, to be ‘right’, to remake the other.

There is no identity mix-up. Oftimes when people are coupled, they confuse their identity with the other. They think the other person is supposed to say what they would say and think what they would think, because the identities are merged. Union sometimes brings this misunderstood or misplaced identity fusion.  Functioning as two distinctly separate individuals, gives freedom to merge and truly experience union. Functioning as two individuals who are united with The 100% Factor, creates a joy which surpases understanding!

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Complete Acceptance

Dialogue by Kit 1 Comment »

Dear Kat,

We have been struggling to put one of the fundamental issues into words.  You used the phrase “100% solution”, meaning that we accept each other 100%, and that this is qualitatively different from 90% or 95% or 99%.  The complete absense of criticism, attacks and control attempts from the other gives a wonderful sense of liberation, of the possibility of being oneself, of acting naturally.

A partner who is only ninety-something percent accepting gives the feeling of being on a leash; you can run free most places, but at some point, a violent tug will occur, so the response is to run cautiously, or not at all.  But at 100%, a transforming quality occurs.

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