The Reality of Union

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

BridgeThis experience of union is a mysterious joy.  I have fleetingly known it before, but with you, it is a regular occurrence.  Yet the rational scientist in me asks if it is an illusion, a trick that nature has dreamed up to facilitate sex, bonding, family and cooperation.  Our senses can often fool us; why is this not the case here as well?

Let me offer some reasons.

  • “The fact precedes the explanation” is a phrase I coined in my 20’s to mean that the raw experience of the world trumps any theory.  At some point I have to take a stand and say that my experience of union is real.  It is stronger when we are in physical contact, and strongest when sexual.  It is as though the point of contact between you and me is us.  I want to be very clear here: this is not the same as feeling your body; that happens at the same time, but is not the same as the joint experience.  There is a strong feeling of mutuality, that what is taking place arises not from you or me; we are but observers of the event.
  • You and I are complex systems.  When two complex systems are joined, interactions and possibilities are created that do not exist in the individual cases.  Two eyes offer depth perception beyond that of one eye. A finger and thumb can perform manipulations that one digit cannot.  Two digits (the binary system) allow a much more compact representation of number than one digit.
  • The idea of a supra-individual consciousness is not prevalent in Western culture, though it has been written about in many places.  See Robert Cloninger, Richard Moss, Ken Wilber, Alan Watts.

This is a rather intellectual response, I know, but it is a radical change in world-view that we’re talking about here, and I feel the need to provide a sound basis for it, both for my own benefit and for use with other people.


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Union With Two Separate Personalities Remaining ‘Intact’

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

My dearest,

I want to comment on your remark that “I hardly ever feel that I have compromised at all.  My self, my integrity, remains intact”. I agree. We don’t impinge on the sacrosanct nature of each of our separate and distinct personalities. We experience such amazing union, and yet remain totally ourselves, totally whole, with no part of that distinct individuality being altered, or crowded out or in any way threatened. In fact, it seems we celebrate the uniqueness that is each of us, while finding so much common ground.

I think the area that we first began to notice this clearly was in our sexual union. There is a palpable new existence, almost a third entity, a beingness which is the ‘us’…the place of melding and merging. It’s hard to say where one body begins and the other ends. And yet, the very experience of this union seems to take place, at least partially,  in each of our minds, where we are entirely our separate selves.

This almost magical blending that we experience together sexually happens in less than an instant; as soon as we bring our bodies in full contact, we can jump to that amazing plane/place. I know that it appears to be always new, and always better than ever before. Maybe it is the very present place that we share from, the very act of being truly present. It seems to allow a co-creative event horizon that is always new, startlingly intense and full of love and union and creativity.  I wanted to try to begin to describe it. I wanted to say some of the things it is. There are also things it is not, like fear, withholding, or in a time other than the present. Both lists can probably go on. I just wanted to begin the description of this most illusive experience.

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Why does it work?

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My dear Kat,

I agree entirely with you about the feeling of our new arrangement of sleeping together every night.  I never expected this feeling of joy; I thought that, if anything, it might produce a little claustrophobia or some territorial issues.  Instead, this extraordinary sense of adventure.

This is just another example of what is so baffling about you and I: that we do something, and it just works, and this happens time and time again.  Yes, I know we’re a fit on paper: same age, liberal politics, etc., but there are many areas that appear mis-matched: different culture, different childhoods, you raised children and I didn’t.  Yet we have this way of agreeing on things and flowing through life that is uncanny in its easiness, or to put it another way, I hardly ever feel that I have compromised at all.  My self, my integrity, remains intact.  Quite how all this happens, I don’t understand, but it is a key aspect of why it is so easy to be with you; I do not have to withdraw to repair myself.

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Sleeping Together Every Night

Dialogue by Kat No Comments »

My dearest Kit,

I am so enjoying our ‘new life’ sleeping together every night at the Victoria house. We’ve had four wonderful years living together so fluidly and in flux…we have slept sometimes at ‘your house’ and sometimes at ‘mine’ and sometimes each in our own. It has suited  us and we have surely loved our togetherness and our aloneness. Whenever I share with women about our lifestyle, they say “you have the best of all possible worlds”. Yes it has been delicious! We have savored and treasured it all.

I don’t know why exactly we decided to experiment with this new idea, but it just seems to have grown the way most things with us come about. We have this wonderful natural way of talking and moving through life together, that is so profoundly moving to me, and yet so basic and simple. It is so free of conflict and yet so passionate! This is really what peace feels like, full of life and in the present, filled with such good will and love.

But back to our new experiment…it seems to have begun with the New Year. We decided to sleep together every night at the Victoria house. We also decided to reframe the descriptions and instead of saying ‘my or your place’, we will call them the Victoria place and the Foothill place…

It seems like such a small thing to change, and yet it has brought an incredible sense of happiness. You told me this morning you feel like we just got back from our honeymoon! Its true, there is a feeling of renewed closeness and such a deep sense of union. Yes, we always have that wonderful sense of union, but there is definitely some large inner shift that has taken place between us. Its amazing that something so seemingly insignificant could feel so large and exciting. We do well in any circumstance together, we’ve traveled extensively, beginning just four months after we joined, with that ten day trip to England, being continuously together. No matter what the situation, we always have that quality of deep delight, harmony, peace, passion. We are such an extraordinary match. What is this quality of union that is ever fresh and so deeply satisfying?

I look forward to it all, while wanting to be no where but in the present with you! The adventure continues…

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Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

I am blown away by how we are.  I have never experienced this harmony of being with anyone else.  The way we flow through the world together, taking things just as they come, is like nothing I have ever experienced.  With others, there were always periods of conflict, friction, disagreements.  With you, I have, for the first time, the experience of always being on the same side.  If we want different things, we talk – just talk! – until the choice becomes clear.

You’ve said how much you like that I talk.  I’ve been attacked, grilled, cornered, shouted at by many partners in my life.  I’ve been accused of not communicating, of being closed, withdrawn, uncommitted, separate.  Have I changed?  Have I finally committed?  Certainly, commitment makes it easy to speak, because the voice in my ear suggesting other scenarios is reduced from a constant temptation to an idle fantasy, but at least as much is that I can say whatever comes to mind, and you just hear me.  That is SO liberating.  And every time it happens, it makes it easier to speak truth the next time.

The other side of talk is what you say.  You say what you mean.  I grew up in a family where sentences had hidden meanings, sexuality was taboo, every look and tone of voice had to be interpreted.  I’ve spent a lifetime learning the virtues of direct communication.  So as I have come to know and trust that you say what you mean, I have opened up to you.  Thank you for that.

So have I finally come to commitment, or have I finally met my partner in peace?  I am left not knowing how much is me and how much is you in all this.  I may never come to a definite conclusion, but am happy that we should both take credit for how we are.

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