In Order for Something New to Happen, There Has to Be Some Emptiness

Our path by Kat No Comments »

Since we spoke the other night, I have felt that it is really important for us to explore even further the quality of our path that you refer to as non-interference, and I usually refer to as relating to the other as a complete distinct personality. I believe that so much else of how we are and the non-argumentative nature of our union derives from this underpinning.
Is there a chicken and egg aspect here? We usually think that our strong presence with each other is brought about by this quality of non-interference. But I am beginning to wonder if it isn’t a bit of both. Perhaps a kind of empty mindedness is what enabled us to truly feel fully open enough to be together with this special kind of acceptance.
Lack of projections and demands is critical to coming into this place together. Many people I know have their heads filled with everything they need to make things work, in any situation and in every relationship. They have so many things decided in advance – what they need in common and how things have to look and feel – that there is very little room for anything to actually just be, let alone the coming into being of something new.
I think that empty mindedness, the willingness to let all ideas go and let new things happen, is a prerequisite to our path. The need for control and the sense of control have to be entirely abandoned.
Let’s explore this as part of how we got here to this wonderful place of peace and joy in love

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Presence

Our path by Kit No Comments »

One of the remarkable things about you is how much I am drawn to being present when I am with you.  I attribute that to your total acceptance: you offer a place for me to be myself — more than that, you encourage and rejoice in it.  This is so rare a quality in this world that I joyfully respond to it.

I am present when I respond and react to what is actually happening, rather than using what the past has taught me, or reacting in order to bring about some future outcome.  I don’t claim to be anywhere near perfection in this; presence is a matter of the degree to which we are focused on the events in front of us.  Neither do I claim that being present is always the most desirable state.  Sometimes the future needs attention, too, so we try to control the world in order to make our imagined future come to pass.  There are times when that is appropriate, but often it’s like always ordering the next meal while you’re eating the current one.

Being present is an important part of non-interference.  By being present, the world just is, so I can let you be who you are, which in turn gives you the opportunity to be present.  It’s a virtuous circle, and having experienced it, why would either of us ever want it to be any other way?  That is why I was so sure early on, even though I could not articulate the reason, that not only hadn’t we argued, but that we probably never would.

There is another aspect of being present that we have both remarked on, which is the experience of newness that it brings.  Nothing is ever the same, and it is very mysterious and counter-intuitive.  You would think that settling in for a movie or walking around the park would become drab through familiarity.  They don’t.  I surmise that they are intrinsically different – there is no Groundhog Day.  The walk I am taking on Thursday is never confused with the walk I took on Tuesday.

Another way to put this is that we are not constrained by our past, which gives us an extraordinary sense of potential, change and growth.  By being open to what is present, we are open to change.  It is not suppressed in favor of what has been, nor rejected in fear of what might happen.  The result is a sense that we always have more to do and more to explore.

P.S. In writing this, I really enjoyed some of our earlier posts on the subject:

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The Wonderful Experience of Presence

Our path by Kat No Comments »

When one is not filled with projections of how things should or could be, not filled with thoughts of the past or the future, then one winds up occupying the present. This act of being present in relationship brings many marvels with it. It leads to new and exciting experiences. It imbues shared experiences with a quality of creativity and co-creativity. When you combine these things, you achieve a marvelous sense of freedom of self and freedom of expression. When you can be gently present without defenses or any need to keep or raise barriers, it has an amazing and exhilarating effect. It is the difference between dancing around barefoot on a floor where you know there are a few thumbtacks (even one) and a floor that is free of any tacks. In the second, you can leap and twirl with your full self. This same sense in a relationship creates a stunning experience of deep abiding peace and joy.

We have this and yet it confounds both of us. We wonder how this can be, and at the same time it feels so easy and so natural. The ability to relax and be fully present seems to follow from the sense of undefended relating. We are in peace and trust and honesty because we are not assailed, we are not attacked. There is no pressure to be different than we are in our essence. So we are open and at peace in action and being.

I love this experience of being with you. I feel so supported in my own personal journey and so in union with you.

love Kat

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Total Freedom

Our path by Kit No Comments »

You use that wonderful metaphor of a thumbtack on the dance-floor, and how inhibiting even one can be.  I want to expand on that a little.  We’ve talked about this as 100% acceptance, and how different that is from 99%.  It’s not just 1% better; there is a qualitative difference to it.  I can be myself without any little voice inside checking what I say and what I do.  I can admire other women.  I can say I want to work late.  I can wear the same jeans all week.  It’s not that I am oblivious to your needs, for I enjoy doing things that bring you pleasure, but they never turn into expectations.

It is so liberating to have the space to be myself.  In other relationships, after a while I found myself to be partially missing, as if small chips of myself had been destroyed over time, and I had to leave to experience my self again.  I didn’t see it in those terms so much at the time; it was more the experience of being in a cage and needing to roam free.  I interpreted that (or my partners did for me) as a resistance to commitment, but now I am not so sure of that interpretation.

I don’t have any of that with you.  This is amazing to me, and I still cannot decide, after all this time together, how this has come to pass.  I do know that an essential part of it is the total freedom that you grant me.  Thank you, thank you, thank you.

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Each of Us is a Complete Distinct Personality

Our path by Kat No Comments »

There are several areas that are essential to our kind of relating.

The first is the  deep and abiding understanding that the other personality in the relationship is just that, a complete and sacrosanct separate personality. There is no attempt to change, alter or in anyway impinge upon the inner uniqueness of the other.  Rather,  there is a rejoicing and honoring of the other.

It gives each of us the ability to be so free, so undefended. I feel totally supported by you, not wanting to change or alter who I am.  You seem to rejoice in who I am. I know I rejoice in you. I find it delightful to be with someone who isn’t me, who is entirely unique, and yet shares my deepest meanings and values. I love the adventure of getting to know you as you share yourself so completely and openly. And it seems we can each develop even more fully with this wonderful supportive exchange.

If you are barefoot and dancing, and find out that somewhere on the floor there is even one thumbtack, it will greatly change your movement and inhibit your dancing. If there are no tacks to get pricked with, you can leap about in full joy. That’s how it is with us!

This form of unfettered, undefended beingness, brings one fully into presence. But I think that is the beginning of another blog posting.

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Non-interference

Our path by Kit No Comments »

For me, it starts with non-interference — the position of allowing you to act as you choose, without my attempting to influence your decisions, big or small, as you travel through life.

I do this because I do not want to control you.  Why would I take on the burden of that responsibility?

I do this because you are not a child who must be taught the ways of the world for your own good.

I do this because of the pleasure of experiencing your views, pleasures and desires.  Why would I want to narrow my world by making those more like my own?

I do this because I do not feel threatened by you, physically, financially, emotionally.  I started with an assumption of trust, and the more time passes the more I am confirmed in this.  Another way to put this is that you are practicing the same non-interference.

How cool!  I am not assailed by criticisms or put-downs; I feel accepted, seen, honored.  Because of this, I am able to express myself, be myself, live my life without feeling in any way diminished.  On the contrary, I not only remain completely myself, but my world is added to by the intimate communication that flows between us because this complete acceptance means there is nothing to inhibit its passage.

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Experiencing Peace

Our path by Kat No Comments »

In the years of our relationship and marriage, we have been astounded again and again by the peaceful yet passionate nature of our union. We live with an amazing lack of conflict and an ever increasing experience of joy, ease and harmony. And this is indeed an ongoing actual experience;  not a theory, not thoughts nor collections of ideas.

In fact, this experience is so profound, that we both feel compelled to share it with others. We hope and believe that it may assist in spreading peace within relationships, any and all relationships.  This is a way of peace between people.

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Introduction: 1

Our path by Kit No Comments »

We know that good relationships can exist, because we have one.

But we’re not going to write and tell how relationships should be, because we don’t believe in telling other people what to do.  Instead, we have chosen to tell how we are and let the conclusions speak for them selves.

Kit

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Paradox

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Dear Kat,

The experience of union we have during sex is so intense and other-worldly that it confounds my brain, so I loved this morning’s conversation and I want to record it here.

Since Aristotle, Western culture has been based on classification: something is A or not A, and this viewpoint is a tool for the scientific method and a premise of Western culture.  In contrast, much of Eastern philosophy believes in the essential oneness of the world, and that the self is illusory.  Based on our experience of both being conscious of union and yet retaining full consciousness of our selves, we suggested that this paradox applies to the competing world views, too; that the world is at the same time both separate and unitary.

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Merging

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

We started by talking about how transcendent sex was and how hard it was to find words for it and I said I would have to speak at 60 words a second to capture the experience and asked if you agreed with the description and you did and I marveled at how our descriptions always agree and you said it’s because we’re having the same experience which is possible because by being completely undefended it allows the merging to take place and the result is that we experience ourselves fully at the same time as the merged experience and it could happen between any two people or a group of people and if it spread it would lead to world peace and I thought wow, I must write this down tomorrow.

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