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Just before leaving this morning you said something upbeat (and I can’t even remember what) that reminded me how much I appreciate your positive nature.  It also stood out in contrast to a friend who called with a tech support problem and bitched and moaned through 30 minutes of phone calls.  The difference is that I’m not responsible for your mood; it’s not my duty to fix it, lighten it or live with it.  It’s not that I’m expecting you to be a perpetual Pollyanna, either.  You were frazzled this evening, for good reason.  That doesn’t bother me, and I’m happy to be a voice of stability at such times.  That might sound like I’ve changed my position, but I think the difference is not one of degree, but of attitude, that some people have a wilfully gloomy streak that emerges when problems arise.  You don’t, and for this I am so grateful.  It’s yet another reason why life with you is so easy and weightless.  XXXX Kit.

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We’ve talked often about non-interference with each other (though you prefer using only positive terms), and today I pointed out that such an attitude carries over to how we interact with others – we much prefer to lead by example rather than offering exercises.  You pointed out that we are looking to trigger that “Aha!” moment rather than a step-by-step slog up the mountain.

I found this conversation very inspiring; it gave me a stronger sense of what we are doing and aiming for.  I eagerly anticipate our crafting words that speak from the heart and touch others.

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Dear Kat,

I have been mystified how we reach agreement on things.  For instance, I wrote here “We come to agreement on what we do together without apparent effort or decision-making” and here “This happens so regularly that it is a statistical impossibility that we should always want the same things.”

The other night you answered this so eloquently; let me see if I can summarise it.

It’s a result of being open and present.  You have an idea of what to do.  I suggest something else that is not in your mind.  Because you are open and undefended you are not stuck on your idea being the best.  More than that, you welcome the variety and difference that another person brings to the table.  Maybe it’s not to your liking, but that’s OK, too, because I am not bound to my suggestion.  And so it goes, and we rapidly reach a conclusion that works for both of us.  This whole process takes place so easily and fluidly that I think we must sometimes not see it happening, only experience the results.

It’s aided by several things.  That we like many of the same things broadens the area for agreement, but more than that is being open to newness and change, and not being attached to specific outcomes.  Lastly, we have no desire to triumph over the other, and want what is best for both of us.  This all takes a certain level of self-knowledge and non-attachment.  Do we make this a prerequisite?  Try to teach it?  Assume it is present?

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My Dear Kat,

I live in constant wonder at the ease and comfort between us.  How is this so easy when other relationships were not?  I think those other people would say (assuming they could peer deep into my thoughts) that my commitment to you makes all the difference.  Certainly, that is a source of wonder and joy to me, but I don’t think that is the answer; there was no “Aha” moment when I decided to commit.  Instead, I look to you for being so peaceful, so accepting, so joyous, so sexual, so positive.

In deep appreciation,
Kit

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My Dear Kat,

I want to speak about balance.  The way we act together is very puzzling.  We come to agreement on what we do together without apparent effort or decision-making.  Certainly there are times when only one of us feels tired, talkative, sleepy, sexual, but mostly we concur on whether to walk, what movie to watch, when to separate, and all those other joint decisions.  It’s that process of deciding that is obscure; there is no sense of pitting my needs against yours, struggling until a winner emerges.  There is scarcely ever even a sense that we have different agendas at all.  But how can this be?  We’re different people with different clocks; the odds of being in sync become more improbable the more it happens.

It is as if we have moved our consciousness from our individual selves to us, that incorporeal being that has both our interests at heart.  I don’t invoke magical channels here; it’s likely that there are signals of body language, smell, voice, etc. by which we adjust to each other.  But such communication is not conscious, hence the puzzlement above, and more to the point, is irrelevant because the focus is on what we do, our intentionality, and here, my best reply is “nothing”.  We achieve this by being, not by doing, and the more still we are, the more intense the experience becomes.

Kit

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Dear Kat,

You ask some very good questions.  It is strange; we know so clearly that we are doing something unusual, and we know the things that we do, but we don’t know how we do them.

And yet “do” is almost the wrong term, because there is no sense of effort; things happen effortlessly, again and again and again.  It is as if there is a path through life called the present that is clear and easy to walk.  To left and right, the past and the future have barbs, snares, pits of tar, that make progress so much more difficult.

Pardon my metaphor.  I don’t know how useful it is in our discussion, but I had this incredibly strong image.

So it is hard to say “do”, because the sense of being centered and and of action flowing from that is very strong.  I loved your writing about the center; it really is central to what we’re doing.  Another metaphor that often arise for me is that of riding a bicycle; once one has learned to balance, it is so easy and effortless.

I guess we have to speak of things in such a way that other can say “Oh yes, I recognise that,” and I’m looking forward to putting it out and see what responses we get.  You’re less driven than me towards this, I think.

Kit

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