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We always feel connected.  When you leave physically, I don’t feel that anything has changed between you and me, and when we come together again, there is no need for any adjustment.  This happens after sex, too; there is no break in intimacy.  All this contrasts with former relationships, which interleaved connection and alienation.

So what are we doing differently?

I think with others, I withdrew to regain my sense of self, because I had lost it in several ways.  One was the limitations on behavior that many people impose.  Another was the need for silence; as an introvert (and I was more so in those days), too much company too long was exhausting.  Lastly, the experience of merging with another, though ecstatic, was a different unfamiliar world, and maybe after a while I had to return to the familiar.

To stray from the personal a bit, I think many people connect from a sense of incompleteness; they want the other to assuage their needs, substitute for their inadequacies, fix their sense of loss, grief, pain.  This only works for a while, as the underlying needs reappear; they must be confronted on their own, not salved by taking from another.  For the partner, the constant supply of support can become a Sisyphean task.

With you, none of these happen.  I do not have to watch myself when I am with you, because you let me be who I am.  Oh, thank you!  I cannot say it enough.  You have your own need for space and silence, as do I, and because we remain connected, it is effortless to separate, and to rejoin afterwards.  And lastly, I welcome the ecstasy and experience it as an addition to myself, not as an alternative.  Whether this is due to knowing myself better or how you take part, I cannot say.

So to summarise, we remain connected, yet I always feel completely myself.  It is paradoxical, yet indisputable.

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Dear Kat,

The experience of union we have during sex is so intense and other-worldly that it confounds my brain, so I loved this morning’s conversation and I want to record it here.

Since Aristotle, Western culture has been based on classification: something is A or not A, and this viewpoint is a tool for the scientific method and a premise of Western culture.  In contrast, much of Eastern philosophy believes in the essential oneness of the world, and that the self is illusory.  Based on our experience of both being conscious of union and yet retaining full consciousness of our selves, we suggested that this paradox applies to the competing world views, too; that the world is at the same time both separate and unitary.

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We started by talking about how transcendent sex was and how hard it was to find words for it and I said I would have to speak at 60 words a second to capture the experience and asked if you agreed with the description and you did and I marveled at how our descriptions always agree and you said it’s because we’re having the same experience which is possible because by being completely undefended it allows the merging to take place and the result is that we experience ourselves fully at the same time as the merged experience and it could happen between any two people or a group of people and if it spread it would lead to world peace and I thought wow, I must write this down tomorrow.

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My Dear Kat,

Sometimes I don’t post for days, not through forgetfulness, but because no previously unspoken ideas come to me.  You say we should just repeat the ideas, because the rephrasing may illuminate them more.

Tonight I have no new thoughts, but I carry a warm glow from being with you, talking with you, sharing with you.  One of our strengths is that of connectedness – when we come together, there is no adjustment.  After we make love, we remain merged and connected.  And when we are separated and going about our daily work, I still feel a sense of peace and groundedness arising from our connection.  It is as if we have joined on some non-spatial dimension, and remain connected there even though physically apart.

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