kitandkat.com

My Dear Kat,

A few days ago, you left early for work, leaving me in bed, and as you left, you complimented me on what I had been wearing the previous evening.  I so love that open, expressive, positive aspect of you for several reasons: firstly, you believe it, and secondly, you say it.  Other people might believe it but not say it, or say it yet not believe it, but with you I feel seen and appreciated.  Thank you.  It makes me feel watered, nourished,  expanded, not just in the moment, but permanently so.

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My Dear Kat,

I just read through the posts that we picked out for review, and I am blown away by them!  I love what we wrote.  Two things stand out for me: firstly, how clearly we grasped and understood the elements of our relationship, and secondly, how clearly and cogently we expressed them.

This leaves me with somewhat of a mystery — how come we’ve had the feeling for the last 18 months  that we’ve been finding words and refining concepts?  Is that a variant of “better all the time”, or is it that we didn’t trust what we knew and how we were saying it?

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My Dear Kat,

The secret of a peaceful relationship is choosing to be in a peaceful relationship. This is how we are, and I am so grateful for it. We’ve talked much about this, and how it happens.  This is an attempt to pull it all together, or at least provide a starting framework.

No attacking
Each of these bullet points could be (and often has been!)  a complete post; I just wanted to get them all together in one place.

• not attacking the other person
• not blaming the other person
• having no expectations
• making no demands
• not expecting the other person to be or do anything in particular
• celebrating the other person’s differences rather than criticising them

No defending

• not taking the other person’s words as an attack
• not reacting defensively to the other person’s words or state

Speaking the truth

• You have to say what is going on when it reaches your consciousness. Obviously some timing is involved; halfway through the board meeting isn’t an appropriate occasion, but concealment doesn’t work for two reasons: it inhibits you from speaking, and the other picks up on it. As an example, your intuition during the weeks before I proposed.
• Another way to say this is “No secrets”. Many people think that white lies are acceptable, even within a relationship. I am very doubtful that they can exist and have no effect.

Listening with full attention
Even when the truth is being spoken, it has to be heard. There is a technique called active listening that involves paraphrasing the speaker’s words or emotions. I don’t do anything quite so formal, but instead, listen with full attention and treat it as a monologue. If I treat it as a dialogue, I lose attention as I compose a response. This is a distinct and conscious act, and (I think) the same experience as being present.

Trusting the other
For all of this to take place, you have to believe in the essential goodness of the other; you have to trust that there is no monster lurking in there ready to spring out. But if you believe that the majority of people are basically kind-hearted and well-intentioned, then this is your de facto position.  (This gets into my political belief that conservatives believe that evil lives in the heart of man, and liberals believe in the intrinsic goodness of people. So how do conservatives ever have a relationship? Maybe they divide the world into trusted and non-trusted.)

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I love what you say about talking because I have had the “we need to talk” speech from so many other people.

So what’s the difference?  Was I mutated by a bombardment of cosmic rays?  No, I think everyone has, somewhere at least, a need to talk, to express themselves, to be seen.  To never do so would be a life of existential loneliness.  People may hold back out of shame, embarrassment or guilt, but we all need that contact at least on occasion to feel connected to others.

One reason the talking is so easy and fluid with us is the complete acceptance that we’ve talked about many times before.  There are no mine-fields, no dangerous areas, no taboo subjects, no demands to talk or be silent or respond or be a particular way, and this is such a liberating thing.  It’s this way for both of us, and leads to great freedom and joy.

Kit

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My Dear Kat,

I am blown away by how we are.  I have never experienced this harmony of being with anyone else.  The way we flow through the world together, taking things just as they come, is like nothing I have ever experienced.  With others, there were always periods of conflict, friction, disagreements.  With you, I have, for the first time, the experience of always being on the same side.  If we want different things, we talk – just talk! – until the choice becomes clear.

You’ve said how much you like that I talk.  I’ve been attacked, grilled, cornered, shouted at by many partners in my life.  I’ve been accused of not communicating, of being closed, withdrawn, uncommitted, separate.  Have I changed?  Have I finally committed?  Certainly, commitment makes it easy to speak, because the voice in my ear suggesting other scenarios is reduced from a constant temptation to an idle fantasy, but at least as much is that I can say whatever comes to mind, and you just hear me.  That is SO liberating.  And every time it happens, it makes it easier to speak truth the next time.

The other side of talk is what you say.  You say what you mean.  I grew up in a family where sentences had hidden meanings, sexuality was taboo, every look and tone of voice had to be interpreted.  I’ve spent a lifetime learning the virtues of direct communication.  So as I have come to know and trust that you say what you mean, I have opened up to you.  Thank you for that.

So have I finally come to commitment, or have I finally met my partner in peace?  I am left not knowing how much is me and how much is you in all this.  I may never come to a definite conclusion, but am happy that we should both take credit for how we are.

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