Being Right

Our path by kk No Comments »

Kat: Where were we? Oh, I know what it was about, it was about being right.

Kit: Being right? Oh, I have a little spiel on that

Kat: laughs

Kit: I was thinking about how we discuss things and don’t argue.

Kat: This is exactly what it’s about. Did you have that thought this evening?

Kit: I was just about to bring exactly this thing up; I can’t believe it!

Kat: Me too.

Kit: How it works, I think, is that I say something, and you say no, you want something else and then…

Kat: Hopefully I don’t start with no, but maybe I say “I see it like this.”

Kit: Ok, whatever, right, and so I go back and I look at it: “Oh, here’s my desire for something, what’s that about?”, and you do the same, and so instead of holding the position solid and trying to make that the demarcation line rather than yours, it’s very fluid and just kind of um…

Kat: it’s really like woo-woo that we had this same thing come clear, like within this evening and wanted to both talk about it and that we’re about to both do it because I…

Kit: I know what triggered it.

Kat: yes, so do I , I know what triggered it, but less interesting; I’d just rather also share the words that I had for that experience which were that you had one thing to say and I have different things to say and we said that back and forth about once or twice and then I saw that moment where ok, all these things exist in the universe like what you said, what I said, how I see it, how you see it, and then there’s that moment with do you want to be busy with “I’m right”? Oh no, that means absolutely nothing to me that’s not what it’s about at all, and I saw it; it’s about this little thing of “I’m right”, you know that people get involved in: “I’m right”, you know; I was going to do my blog on it, but it’s your blogging turn.

Kit: But you can write, sweetie.

Kat: Yes, we found the same thing, it’s fascinating that it actually happened.

Kit: The only book I’ve read about EST was a tell-all by someone who went through it.

Kat: mm hmm

Kit: It started out wham bam in chapter one by having the speaker describe what’s so important about being right.

Kat: uh huh, yeah

Kit: You know, they hit you with it in paragraph one and it really struck me. It’s one of those lightbulb things where some asssumption that you’ve always made doesn’t apply any more. Very interesting; it gives you a whole lot of flexibility when you let go of those bits of…

Kat: It’s amazing what it does when you let go of those things, especially when you let go of it with consciousness…

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: …and – I’m utterly fascinated that we both got that same thing from our experiences.

Kit: Well, where I thought it came from was that you were talking some time, maybe yesterday, I think we were sitting on the sofa, about how we should continue this writing and that we should continue to talk with each other about our experience, but what we should do is go further and go into the why and how does that work, and all that stuff…

Kat: Sort it out and where did it come from.

Kit: …and so I think that my idea rose out of that conversation.

Kat: I also ended the blog with that last thing.

Kit: Aah, okay

Kat: How does that happen?

Kit: Yes, uh huh

Kat: well I got it this evening from the conversation that we were having and I passed on from the conversation which wasn’t the important part of the experience because it was the learning which was important and it was some back and forth where I had one viewpoint and you had another and there was a moment when I saw it and you had sort of spoken your word and I had spoken mine and I thought ok, good, well all of that is out here and it all is real and exists and there’s that moment: was I going to go further with I’m right, whatever is you doesn’t exist because I’m right…

Kit: mm hmm

Kat: …and I just saw that whole thing, I thought, you know, yeah, that’s one of the things that we do is, you know, we don’t really waste any time that I’m right.

Kit: But you are right.

Kat: We are, we are indeed.

Kit: No, I’m joking.

Kat: So am I.

Kit: You’re perfectly right about that.

Kat: Maybe we do things not only right, but perfectly right.

Kit: It makes things very easy to do, and very simple.

Kat: It does.

Kit: A whole lot of clutter gets removed from your mind.

Kat: I know, it’s amazing, it seems like such a simple thing to do.

Kit: Right.

Kat: You have to do it with consciousness, it’s gotta be like a real – you have to – I mean, after a while, of course, you align yourself more and more, so it’s not even an occurrence that happens in the mind.

Kit: Right, but also I think it’s a question of trust; it can only start happening when we trust each other…

Kat: How it starts happening is the question.

Kit: …and trust is something that builds up over a period of time. You might start with an assumption of trust, which is great because it moves things forward, but you know how I experienced you trustwise was basically the sum of all my experiences with you over a period of time, and the longer that went on, the more I understood how you worked and what you were and that kind of stuff, right? And developed a knowing of you.

Kat: Mm-hmm, I know exactly what you’re saying.

Kit: The trust that builds up between us – has built up between us – is really important in this kind of lack of argument; I mean, when you experience the other person as a truthful and honest and present and…

Kat: Constant.

Kit: …constant and yet completely as important and as autonomous as me, then what would be the point of taking a position?

Kat: Mm hmm

Kit: At that stage, it doesn’t make any sense anyway.

Kat: Maybe a lot of it is habitual behavior, that I’m right, all those kinds of things.

Kit: Well, perhaps that’s because people start out from a position of non-trust and perhaps if you start from that position, you can’t get past it.

Kat: Sure you can, you just have to become aware.

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: You just develop a different appetite, you know; you follow your attraction to lack of that kind, you know, you devalue that experience.

Kit: Right.

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Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

A few days ago, you left early for work, leaving me in bed, and as you left, you complimented me on what I had been wearing the previous evening.  I so love that open, expressive, positive aspect of you for several reasons: firstly, you believe it, and secondly, you say it.  Other people might believe it but not say it, or say it yet not believe it, but with you I feel seen and appreciated.  Thank you.  It makes me feel watered, nourished,  expanded, not just in the moment, but permanently so.

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Getting the Message Out

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

I am very pleased with our decision to start writing again.  After our talks of the last couple of nights, I look forward to a renewed emphasis on the quality of life.

We played with some ideas about KK and I want to document them here.  We need to connect with others at a visceral, not just cerebral, level.  (As an afterthought, how much does that mean personal presence?  Does youtube or audio carry some of that?  Maybe even writing can if it is good enough; words have inspired many people to many things.)  We need the message/idea/experience to be viral; we can’t contact 6.8bn people directly.  Or can we?  Part of the message must be that we need people to believe personal and world peace is possible.  Without that vision, it cannot spread.

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Old Posts

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

I just read through the posts that we picked out for review, and I am blown away by them!  I love what we wrote.  Two things stand out for me: firstly, how clearly we grasped and understood the elements of our relationship, and secondly, how clearly and cogently we expressed them.

This leaves me with somewhat of a mystery — how come we’ve had the feeling for the last 18 months  that we’ve been finding words and refining concepts?  Is that a variant of “better all the time”, or is it that we didn’t trust what we knew and how we were saying it?

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How We Agree

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Dear Kat,

I have been mystified how we reach agreement on things.  For instance, I wrote here “We come to agreement on what we do together without apparent effort or decision-making” and here “This happens so regularly that it is a statistical impossibility that we should always want the same things.”

The other night you answered this so eloquently; let me see if I can summarise it.

It’s a result of being open and present.  You have an idea of what to do.  I suggest something else that is not in your mind.  Because you are open and undefended you are not stuck on your idea being the best.  More than that, you welcome the variety and difference that another person brings to the table.  Maybe it’s not to your liking, but that’s OK, too, because I am not bound to my suggestion.  And so it goes, and we rapidly reach a conclusion that works for both of us.  This whole process takes place so easily and fluidly that I think we must sometimes not see it happening, only experience the results.

It’s aided by several things.  That we like many of the same things broadens the area for agreement, but more than that is being open to newness and change, and not being attached to specific outcomes.  Lastly, we have no desire to triumph over the other, and want what is best for both of us.  This all takes a certain level of self-knowledge and non-attachment.  Do we make this a prerequisite?  Try to teach it?  Assume it is present?

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The Secret of a Peaceful Relationship

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

The secret of a peaceful relationship is choosing to be in a peaceful relationship. This is how we are, and I am so grateful for it. We’ve talked much about this, and how it happens.  This is an attempt to pull it all together, or at least provide a starting framework.

No attacking
Each of these bullet points could be (and often has been!)  a complete post; I just wanted to get them all together in one place.

  • not attacking the other person
  • not blaming the other person
  • having no expectations
  • making no demands
  • not expecting the other person to be or do anything in particular
  • celebrating the other person’s differences rather than criticising them

No defending

  • not taking the other person’s words as an attack
  • not reacting defensively to the other person’s words or state

Speaking the truth

  • You have to say what is going on when it reaches your consciousness. Obviously some timing is involved; halfway through the board meeting isn’t an appropriate occasion, but concealment doesn’t work for two reasons: it inhibits you from speaking, and the other picks up on it. As an example, your intuition during the weeks before I proposed.
  • Another way to say this is “No secrets”. Many people think that white lies are acceptable, even within a relationship. I am very doubtful that they can exist and have no effect.

Listening with full attention
Even when the truth is being spoken, it has to be heard. There is a technique called active listening that involves paraphrasing the speaker’s words or emotions. I don’t do anything quite so formal, but instead, listen with full attention and treat it as a monologue. If I treat it as a dialogue, I lose attention as I compose a response. This is a distinct and conscious act, and (I think) the same experience as being present.

Trusting the other
For all of this to take place, you have to believe in the essential goodness of the other; you have to trust that there is no monster lurking in there ready to spring out. But if you believe that the majority of people are basically kind-hearted and well-intentioned, then this is your de facto position.  (This gets into my political belief that conservatives believe that evil lives in the heart of man, and liberals believe in the intrinsic goodness of people. So how do conservatives ever have a relationship? Maybe they divide the world into trusted and non-trusted.)

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The Freedom to Say Anything

Dialogue by Kit 1 Comment »

I love what you say about talking because I have had the “we need to talk” speech from so many other people.

So what’s the difference?  Was I mutated by a bombardment of cosmic rays?  No, I think everyone has, somewhere at least, a need to talk, to express themselves, to be seen.  To never do so would be a life of existential loneliness.  People may hold back out of shame, embarrassment or guilt, but we all need that contact at least on occasion to feel connected to others.

One reason the talking is so easy and fluid with us is the complete acceptance that we’ve talked about many times before.  There are no mine-fields, no dangerous areas, no taboo subjects, no demands to talk or be silent or respond or be a particular way, and this is such a liberating thing.  It’s this way for both of us, and leads to great freedom and joy.


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