Avoiding Being Right

Our path by Kit No Comments »

This factor of not needing to be right is indeed one of the major things that makes it work for us, but it’s still hard to dissect.  I can think of two factors; one is that you don’t do stupid or annoying things, so I don’t have to try and change your behavior.  The second is that you, in turn, don’t try to control me, which is wonderfully liberating, but also stops any need for me to defend myself by counter-attacking with the same accusations because you’ve pushed my hypocrisy button.

So does that mean we’re both perfect?  That seems unlikely to me.  More probable is that we have a higher tolerance level, or to put it another way, other people have a lower tolerance level.  So what’s that about?  Well, neither of us are locked into things having to be a certain way; for example, last time we were away, we slept on opposite sides of the bed from usual.  How do we do this?  It’s not as if we drift through life in a zombied state, having no preferences at all; we do, but either our preferences coincide, or else we’re not so attached to them, because there are other choices that would work, so it’s easy to find something that’s mutually acceptable.  In the event that one of us has a strong desire, the other is happy to go with that; there is, after all, a distinct pleasure in seeing the happiness of the other.

And there we have it.  We’ve never reached a point where the two of us have strong and opposing desires, and though I can dream up dark scenarios, I can also imagine ways past them.  The bottom line is that neither of us see any benefit in conflict; it’s a waste of energy, it leaves damage that can take a long time to heal, if ever, and it has to be resolved eventually by putting one’s soul on the line, so why not start there?

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Being Right

Our path by kk No Comments »

Kat: Where were we? Oh, I know what it was about, it was about being right.

Kit: Being right? Oh, I have a little spiel on that

Kat: laughs

Kit: I was thinking about how we discuss things and don’t argue.

Kat: This is exactly what it’s about. Did you have that thought this evening?

Kit: I was just about to bring exactly this thing up; I can’t believe it!

Kat: Me too.

Kit: How it works, I think, is that I say something, and you say no, you want something else and then…

Kat: Hopefully I don’t start with no, but maybe I say “I see it like this.”

Kit: Ok, whatever, right, and so I go back and I look at it: “Oh, here’s my desire for something, what’s that about?”, and you do the same, and so instead of holding the position solid and trying to make that the demarcation line rather than yours, it’s very fluid and just kind of um…

Kat: it’s really like woo-woo that we had this same thing come clear, like within this evening and wanted to both talk about it and that we’re about to both do it because I…

Kit: I know what triggered it.

Kat: yes, so do I , I know what triggered it, but less interesting; I’d just rather also share the words that I had for that experience which were that you had one thing to say and I have different things to say and we said that back and forth about once or twice and then I saw that moment where ok, all these things exist in the universe like what you said, what I said, how I see it, how you see it, and then there’s that moment with do you want to be busy with “I’m right”? Oh no, that means absolutely nothing to me that’s not what it’s about at all, and I saw it; it’s about this little thing of “I’m right”, you know that people get involved in: “I’m right”, you know; I was going to do my blog on it, but it’s your blogging turn.

Kit: But you can write, sweetie.

Kat: Yes, we found the same thing, it’s fascinating that it actually happened.

Kit: The only book I’ve read about EST was a tell-all by someone who went through it.

Kat: mm hmm

Kit: It started out wham bam in chapter one by having the speaker describe what’s so important about being right.

Kat: uh huh, yeah

Kit: You know, they hit you with it in paragraph one and it really struck me. It’s one of those lightbulb things where some asssumption that you’ve always made doesn’t apply any more. Very interesting; it gives you a whole lot of flexibility when you let go of those bits of…

Kat: It’s amazing what it does when you let go of those things, especially when you let go of it with consciousness…

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: …and – I’m utterly fascinated that we both got that same thing from our experiences.

Kit: Well, where I thought it came from was that you were talking some time, maybe yesterday, I think we were sitting on the sofa, about how we should continue this writing and that we should continue to talk with each other about our experience, but what we should do is go further and go into the why and how does that work, and all that stuff…

Kat: Sort it out and where did it come from.

Kit: …and so I think that my idea rose out of that conversation.

Kat: I also ended the blog with that last thing.

Kit: Aah, okay

Kat: How does that happen?

Kit: Yes, uh huh

Kat: well I got it this evening from the conversation that we were having and I passed on from the conversation which wasn’t the important part of the experience because it was the learning which was important and it was some back and forth where I had one viewpoint and you had another and there was a moment when I saw it and you had sort of spoken your word and I had spoken mine and I thought ok, good, well all of that is out here and it all is real and exists and there’s that moment: was I going to go further with I’m right, whatever is you doesn’t exist because I’m right…

Kit: mm hmm

Kat: …and I just saw that whole thing, I thought, you know, yeah, that’s one of the things that we do is, you know, we don’t really waste any time that I’m right.

Kit: But you are right.

Kat: We are, we are indeed.

Kit: No, I’m joking.

Kat: So am I.

Kit: You’re perfectly right about that.

Kat: Maybe we do things not only right, but perfectly right.

Kit: It makes things very easy to do, and very simple.

Kat: It does.

Kit: A whole lot of clutter gets removed from your mind.

Kat: I know, it’s amazing, it seems like such a simple thing to do.

Kit: Right.

Kat: You have to do it with consciousness, it’s gotta be like a real – you have to – I mean, after a while, of course, you align yourself more and more, so it’s not even an occurrence that happens in the mind.

Kit: Right, but also I think it’s a question of trust; it can only start happening when we trust each other…

Kat: How it starts happening is the question.

Kit: …and trust is something that builds up over a period of time. You might start with an assumption of trust, which is great because it moves things forward, but you know how I experienced you trustwise was basically the sum of all my experiences with you over a period of time, and the longer that went on, the more I understood how you worked and what you were and that kind of stuff, right? And developed a knowing of you.

Kat: Mm-hmm, I know exactly what you’re saying.

Kit: The trust that builds up between us – has built up between us – is really important in this kind of lack of argument; I mean, when you experience the other person as a truthful and honest and present and…

Kat: Constant.

Kit: …constant and yet completely as important and as autonomous as me, then what would be the point of taking a position?

Kat: Mm hmm

Kit: At that stage, it doesn’t make any sense anyway.

Kat: Maybe a lot of it is habitual behavior, that I’m right, all those kinds of things.

Kit: Well, perhaps that’s because people start out from a position of non-trust and perhaps if you start from that position, you can’t get past it.

Kat: Sure you can, you just have to become aware.

Kit: Mm hmm

Kat: You just develop a different appetite, you know; you follow your attraction to lack of that kind, you know, you devalue that experience.

Kit: Right.

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Emptiness

Our path by Kit No Comments »

You ask about the origins of empty-mindedness.  One was my experience of long, drawn-out arguments with shouting, crying, begging, with-holding, accusing, sulking, withdrawing, and attacking.  Words and acts from the past would be dragged in to make a case.  Threats and demands would be made to gain the advantage.  Finally, through exhaustion, we would reach a position where each of us would abandon the attack and just express our needs.  It felt like a summer squall had blown in and passed over, leaving flooded paths, downed branches and litter all over.  At that point we were able to hear the other person and accept their needs as real.

After a long time, I saw that the argument was merely the precursor to this place of communication and potential resolution.  I never liked arguments, and these days, I choose to go directly to that post-squall place of self-expression without attack, where I can clearly distinguish between what I want to happen and what other people should do.

A second contribution to empty-mindedness has been a decade or more of sitting.  I won’t give instruction here, but through repeated practice, the ability to separate thoughts and actions, still the mind, be present and distinguish between thoughts and direct experience makes access to a center point of stillness easier and easier.

Lastly, I have done a number of Enlightenment Intensives, 3-day events which excel in removing the fog of language and revealing the truth underneath.

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Agreement

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

Dear Kat,

There’s nothing to report – we just continue to get on magnificently.

WAIT!  That’s the weird thing – how does this happen?

Firstly I want to distinguish between disagreements and arguments.  The former is possible, the latter unimaginable.  Why would I want to persuade you to do something against your will?  It may improve my lot in some way, but the cost of your compliance must be deducted from the benefit.

Let’s say that I see my benefit as M and the cost to you as Y.  Then I should go ahead if M > Y.

But you may see the benefit to me as M2 and the cost to you as Y2, so I shouldn’t do it if M2 < Y2.

For this clash not to take place, either

  • Our assessment of each others’ states must be accurate.
  • If not accurate, our assessment of each others’ states must be generous.
  • We believe the reporting of the other.

This may be overly intellectual and abstract, but the point I want to make is that we fully accept the reported reality of the other and do not discount it as less important than ours.  This requires two things: that we accept the other as fully equal to ourselves, not in skills and desires but in rights and consciousness, and that we trust the other to be truthful.

Oh, I see I riffed on this a couple of posts ago. Read the rest of this entry »

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Where Do Arguments Come From?

Dialogue by Kit No Comments »

My Dear Kat,

This morning we spoke of people who act like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.  We have both had partners like this.  One moment, everything is fine, then POW!  Something sets them off, and someone unrecognized appears: maybe hysterical, maybe furious, maybe withdrawn.

There are several ways we react to this.  One is to defend against the attack, to fight back, to deny the accusations.  A second is to feel guilty, to feel the attack is justified in some way.  Maybe I should have called her back?  Maybe I shouldn’t have said that?  It’s easy to react this way because sometimes we do screw up, and in such cases, this is the only way out.  A third way is to try and fix it, to do whatever it takes, because she is your partner and she is in pain, and because you want normal service to resume as soon as possible.

It was with A., a very volatile partner, that I first noticed the rock.  When she got angry, I wouldn’t let my self get dragged in.  I would not let myself be affected by it.  Oh, there were times it went on so long that I reacted in anger at the whole mess, but in general, I could just let it wash over me, could wait it out.

– – – – – – –

I write about all this because we don’t do it.  Ever.  In its place is a constancy, one that we both remarked on after getting to know each other.  I love the consistency.  Of course there is variability: sometimes you are tired or ill or quiet, but I never feel that you have changed in how you see me.  This knowledge is so very peaceful and calming.  Thank you.

Kit

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